how agni was defeated...

once upon a time lived a happy agni...










then ritu barges in n attacks agni...












....n thus agni is defeated n ritu achieves success in cutting agni's year old locks...







now agni looks like human being....




doesnt he look gud???....

Survival Tragedies and their ecstatic comedies…..

your question is y am i laughing???......... you will understand in the next few mins...





Listen guys out there… you should not laugh at others grieves… it’s a bad habbit. People fall in great trouble and unable to find help ,write to the experts for help. But we people who r more or less satisfied with the torn shoe named “life” enjoys a great deal out of such columns in newspapers and magazines…. But we should not…
Should and could are two words we use a lot for our responsibilities which we do not like to carry out… but still, the following few cases I’ ve written below to flash our shameless society. Every bit of it sending messages of humanity to learn something… keep reading below as I wouldn’t like 2 bore you philosophically and psychology any more….!




1. I am 22 yr old boy. I study in a commerce college. My problem is that my girlfriend is taller than me. When we started our relationship about 9 years ago, she was shorter than me. She loved me very much then . But now things have changed. She is 5 inches taller than me. It is a very shameful situation. She does not like going out with me or introducing me to anyone. I don’t like this. She even gifted me an exerciser from Telebrands. I have been using that for the last 7 months but its not working. Now she is no more interested in me. I think our relationship will break. I love her very much, no matter she is tall. I don’t want to loose her. Please help.
Estranged Lover.


Reply: Mr. Lover. Stop pining over things that will not change. You should have genetically cross checked her( via her parents height) and calculated how much she can grow compared to you. It’s very normal that she is ashamed. Even you would have felt the same, had you been in her place. People are walking out for 5 cms, 5 inches is too much. Please accept the inevitable and stop complaining about exerciser brands here. My advice is to forget her and move on… coz Love is no more blind nowadays. It checks and recheck and then again checks before committing and still could not give guarantee even as good as your ceiling fan’s company…

[ Moral- Love is too extravagant an emotion for the human race to afford. ]



2. I am a beautiful girl. I have a small problem and I know you can solve it. I have a father who has a mother. That mother is my mother. But I have another mother who owns my father. Therefore I have total 2 mother who does not know each other. That other mother is also my mother but does not like father. There is another father of that mother who is not my mother. But my mother knows that father and my father does not know that other father knows my other mother. But my father who is owned by my other mother doesn’t know that other father. But I know everything now. I stay alone in a boarding school. So my problem is…whom do I cal father and mother?

Anaita Jaiswal, Class VI, Blue house Prefect, Birla High- New Delhi.

Reply: No comments!!!
I mailed this question to a CAT paper setter and it might appear next year in the entrance. But personally I would like to strangle all her sets of parents that she has tried to permutate and combinate.

[ moral: we are much luckier than it seems to us]


4. I am a 32 yr old man. My problem is that my wife is a chain smoker. She smokes everywhere- car, bedroom, toilet even kitchen. Even the food she makes tastes like nicotine. I am a strict non-smoker as I have asthma. We do not sleep with each other, hence we have no children. Everyone laughs at me behind my back because my wife smokes and I cant. Things are becoming unbearable day by day. Whenever I see someone smoking, I misbehave. That’s affecting my pressure as I have high pressure. Tell me what can I do.

Hopeless husband.


Reply: Respected sir, what is your problem? Is it that YOUR wife smokes or is it that YOU CANT smoke??... That children part you can make understanding with your wife for 1 particular night and about your pressure, please show a general physician. Stop being a male chauvinist and try to talk it out with your wife rather than chiding a fellow smoker. It’s you who is feeling hopeless. Help yourselves.

[ moral: marriage is a commitment from heart. No one is boss, no one is slave ]


4. I am a teacher at a private school. I teach physics. I had been teaching in this school for the last 10 years and have made a note copy of mine from which I dictate notes to my students. I take very good care of that copy but last Saturday the most horrible thing occurred. Someone stole my note copy . Now I am shattered . I don’t know what to do. I cant take my classes.In this way I will loose my job. I think some student has done it who wanted all the notes in one go.. Please advise.

Physics teacher, south kolkata, std 9 to 12, call 943252990

Reply: Your are the biggest crook I have ever met on earth. First of all physics is not a subject to dictate. Its high time you spare the school and its deprived students. Had I known this 10 years ago, I would have burnt your notes copy. To hell with your job. And last of all, this column is not a place to advertise your sinking career. Don’t you dare write here again.

[moral- Education doesn’t exist anymore…. If interested, enlighten youself.]




5. I am a 24 yr old newly wedded girl. My mother in law is behaving very sweetly since I arrived . She has not behaved like all other mother in laws like I had seen in TV. She doesn’t not even brainwash my husband. She does not shout if I wake up late after my husband has left for office. She is very sweet and that is my problem. I am feeling afraid she might do some bigger harm. So I am very quiet. What do I do? Inform the police?

Shalini Srivastav.



6. I am a 52 year old widow. I live with my son and daughter in law. My son has been newly married to a girl who is std 12 pass. I don’t allow to do her anything as I fear she might do grave mistakes that will upset my family’s norm. She watches TV all day and does not show any interest in family. I don’t think so she loves my son , so I am not at all bothered that he will throw me out of the house. But I think she doesn’t not trust me. How do I know what she feels about me? Please suggest.


Ranika Devi.


Reply: Dear readers, I received the above two mails from the same address in the same day as given below:

Sri Teerath Srivastav
Nirmal Apartments
#39 Santa Cruz
Vasai.
Mumbai.

I think this Teerath named fellow is the unfortunate son cum husband, not knowing what’s cooking in his home. He better go to some “teerath yatra”. I just wish him luck and this mother- daughter-in law duo just write to each other rather than writing me. And for god’s sake stop TV serials with melodrama. Mom-in-lws can be good, so can be daughter-in-laws.

[moral-Trust is the healer. There is nothing stronger than trusting a liar’s lies, coz one day ur trust will compel him to speak the truth.]



7. Hello everyone(teachers, especially computer sir). I am a boy of 15 studying in the same class as my this friend from whose computer I am mailing. He is a very bad boy. He has virus in his computer and he gives those virus to everyone. Now everyone is affected. I am sending you as an attachment, an autorun virus for example from his computer. He cheats of everyone and get good marks in computer. I don’t like this. I study very much and still get 21 out of 40. this is not fair. So I am telling this secret to everyone. I know ritu didi is fair enough and she will print my letter . And everyone will know what is happening in my class. Now I am happy.


Prateek Laha. via e-mail.

Reply: sweet baby brother, you forgot to mention your cheater friend’s name to ritu didi. Now she cant help. She did her level best by printing your letter, rest we can keep our fingers crossed coz you have not even mentioned your school, class or even your beloved computer sir’s name. Please learn something from that physics sir of south kolkata. He has even given his mobile no. Lastly…next time don’t try to mail autorun or any such things u feel is a virus.

[ moral- when the shrewd complains about the rude… take a back seat and watch the movie]



Readers………………………………….and the trophy goes to………….


8. Listen everyone. I am going to commit suicide. I will kill myself at 12.56 pm on next Tuesday. I chose this time because my astrologer told it’s a very good time. I might get promotion in heaven. No one is responsible for my death. I am dying because I am thinking about my future which also needs to be secured, since it was my childhood dream to go to heaven. Now that all my 5 daughters and six sons are married I don’t have any tension. My beloved wife left me when my last son was born. I managed a lavish burial for her. I hope she has already made very good arrangement when I reach there in heaven. I will try to memorize my savings and investments in case she asks. But I don’t think so she will do that because she loves me and I also love her. She was very beautiful when we got married. Friends, I love you all. Please come to my “shok sabha” which my sons will arrange in due course of time. Please prepare your funeral speech from now only. Thank you.

Sitaram sethi.
Sethi villas.Owner of Sethi Enterprise and Sethi Water works.


Reply: Ritu is too spell bound to write anything, hence………………………………. !!!!



[ moral- The ‘fool-est’ is the happiest :P]




Enough of it Guys… now stop laughing…. Its bad to laugh at such grievous situations…You can still write to me… I will try to solve your daily problems. Any problem with the milkman, driver, newspaper seller, boss, maidservant, even ex-wife will be entertained here. Children can improve their grammatical skills with wren n martin till then and not torture the adult group by sending viruses. Teachers… stay away… especially physics, maths teachers…smokers and ni-laws, consult general physicians…or ur other relatives. I am paid to listen to such stuff, or else I would dealt with each one of them personally for mentally harassing me with such letters.I might even end up writing such a letter one day to suhel seth.



…………………………………………………………….…!!



PS… This material is copy right reserved. No part or piece has been copied from any magazine or any form of media. Even morals are given by me. Please do not try to forge anything…………. Till then, keep smiling..

Love with Presi...

Presidency wasn’t my first choice. I qualified B.Arch in BESU[ Bengal College of Engineering and Science University] via WBJEE. Having a shockingly high rank, I got through smoothly but alas… I missed the councelling dates.and that’s the end of the story and beginning of a new story. But before that, I cant miss out this short para on my experience to BESU for 2nd counseling.
I reached BESU campus and searched like anything throughout to find the counseling hall. It was the year 2005… a turmoil- filled era regarding seat reservation scuffles which turned into starve-till-death revolution and ended up with enormous political conflicts. I feared this campus coz of its infamous internal ragging sessions and its forceful political attitude. I don’t like politics until its burning my back, then only I play politics and can really sometimes turn tables.
Anyways, I reached the hall… around at 10.30, counseling 2 begin at 11. Around 200 heads came for just two seats. There was hardly any place to sit n as I found one at the 2nd last bench, I made myself comfortable. I dint knew y no1 chose that comfy place.. I discovered a little later. I found myself the target of many questionable eyes mainly of the opposite sex. Feeling a little cautious, I checked whether the reason was some exposed lingerie or not, then 2 my awe I found that the sex ration was simply 9:1 . Yes readers, there were 177 boys n 19 gals. I cursed the fairer sex for not qualifying n also the practice of female- foeticide . Me, one of those 19 gals sat among guys n all other 18 gals who were ‘ Indian-ly’ dressed chose to sit in a group. It was no doubt they hailed from girls school n considered boys to be an incurable contagious disease. They made themselves seated at one corner of the hall.I dint notice the gang much coz I had 2 rush to some party that evening after the counseling. ppl with 200+ ranks came there. I was feeling a bit proud with 37. Although I got a seat, I dint took admission and neither do repent it this day. Later I found that batch had only 2 gals… I cant care less!

After this horrifying experience, Presidency was dreamland. Its walls spoke of legends, its look gave a tour to the glorious past.I know I was walking the isle…the isle of glory, the land of books, the empire of dreams.
Presidency was filled with 65% girls… hotly dressed… steaming n alluring the kolkata crowd charging their testosterones as well as their gfs’ adrenaline ( out of jealousy). The only college to compete with Presi was St. Xaviers. Those 12 inches mini skirts, hot pants with balloon tops , torn n faded jeans, sexy capris, backless choli with transluscent saris at occasions,….. these 5’2” to 5’8” ers rampantly killing the onlookers at Xavotsav. One of my best friend ,student of chemistry honours there.. used to say …” u know ritu… the gate will break down at any moment if these hungry hooligans don’t get a pass”… she was cool at 5’6” with a model-like fig. but I always complained of her dress disasters n make-up mismanagement. She could have dated 2 scores of men till now if she had listened to me. The only thing I pushed her 2 do was a haircut… n that’s it…! I don’t have any idea how Xaverian ladies treated their male ratio but Presi dint care much. Only a handful of cool dudes n rest , still residing in their mother’s pouch.

The most fascinating department was Economics. We had to cross through this department to go to chemistry department for our pass classes.I sometimes thought how they managed time to look so cool over the normal. Once I spotted a guy with four different hair-colours.. He had even gelled it… I stared n stared while chadan asked..: “what r u seeing?... like the guy??”… I gave such a horrible expression .. n then thought..” naamuraad… tenu ye bhi na pata hai k tu joker lage hai!!!” [worthless , don’t u know u r looking like a joker] … I chuckled to myself. A few days later I spotted him with a gal with red hair… ‘ rab ne banadi jodi’…!!!

Due to long distance, I preffered wearing kurti to college, descent and sober… and the worst part I remember is men wearing kurta to colg, teamed with jeans. Some black n white films used to flash before me seeing some of them while others looked as cool as they could be. hence our dress codes was the first aspect that started defining our characters. Next step was hairdo. Men normally stuck to parachute oil, some 2 pig-smelling gels, n some dint even care 2 comb it. Girls were more cautious. Some took care of their long mane,some gave a make-over haircut. I was one of them. In second year.. I transformed myself 2 a complete kolkata gal—gave a haircut, banished the kurtas, n stuck 2 serious eye-make up. This whole drama was not to attract but 2 bring about a feel-gud change in myself.
Bham was too happy with my haircut. He got linz’s new digcam n clicked a lot of pics… linz’s look-gud tips even worked well. Transformed from a complete nerd to an important part of the physiopal grp… I dint mind bunking classes and watch “munnabhai”.. mass-bunking becoming an intoxication day by day, especially those dictation classes.
Before that I used to consider bunking as murder or something of that sort.

Presidency composed of these 3 Ps - as follows:

Politics… a P of presidency…
The hottest selling news of kolkata during the January every year is politics in undergraduate colleges. It was more ferocious than the state polls. The front page of all Bengal newspapers keep printing about polling.. Presidency being the celebrity.the clashes…the flashes as well as the ashes of all burning sensational news was about our college polls. SFI[Student’s federation of India]- IC[ Independent Consolidation]. These two parties fought, sometimes cold sometimes hot. I knew all these drama before but got a spine-chilling experience after I entered the college. Politics have chewed away hundreds of super-intelligent brains of Bengal. But still… it demands more…
Its uncontrollable like a disease. It targets everyone.. good or bad and pulls along with it like the centre of a hurricane. At the end, it destroys everything. Destruction was the only end it had… nothing else. Xaviers was never heard of so much drama. We, the Presidencians were tigers in all aspects… I don’t understand what was the point of being tigers in intra-affairs. Star anando, kolkata TV, Etv bangle n so on…. Reporters came like bees from a beehive. Escaping after a poll was another risky affair. No wonder the candidates who stood for a party suffered more tortures, their families even given threats. I feared facing people after and during our polls.. the whole kolkata police giving protection inside the college premise and even then some arrested at the end of the day. I-cards used to be a must. The height thing was politics was taken seriously by the whole college… professors, principals, lecturer,… whatever u say…maybe even Group- D staff. It was simply because it decided their fate of posts and position. A government institute where monthly fess was Rs. 80 to 110., everything was decided by polls and the chair. No one meddled in.. Bengal politics boiling in the womb of Presidency.. year after year, generation after generation.I don’t know how much I have been just to the whole affair, but inspite of being aloof of all these, I got its heat…


Prem in Presi…[ Prem=love]

I don’t get this. An area filled with mostly gals… how can u be so serious about falling in love?...
Arre… chhele thakle toh prem korbe… r jaa ache tate kaaj cholbe naa bhai…
[ if there r guys then only u have option but whatever u have doesn’t serve the purpose]


When I was in school, there were handsome guys all over… here, there where ever u look… it became a norm for me, even the gate-keeper was good-looking… so when I came to Presidency, things turned out just the opposite…, the first worst experience being at the sight of agni. First I thought he was a flirt, then I noticed that he was effeminate and then wotever I guessed was right. Although he was cute, he had an unshaven look, lokked almost 10 yrs elder 2 me and preferred to befriend gals. some more guys whom I don’t remember too well, even they looked like uncles…rather our senior batch men were much more hotty… ;) almost all the 2007 batch men looked gud.. a blow 2 our batch.Although I dint find rest of guys much interesting, but neelanjan was eye-catching with his extra-kilos.I wonedered and wondered and just couldn’t conclude that how he collected them while I couldn’t ,spending almost same amount of time on earth. Bham joined him later n I stopped thinking about them at all. sugs… a supposedly eligilble bachelor…[till he opens his mouth]..6 ft, slim, fair with highly defined facial contours, even gud at academics, his spect frame added flavour 2 his looks.he was blind[ 7. sumthing power] Well, I really don’t why he was ditched every time he fell for a gal but I equally dint knew y did he choose those gals on the 1st hand[ half of them looked double his age as well as weight]. Sayan, our topper looked the most cool n careless guy of the class. He wore a t-shirt till its worn out n supposedly never cared about his hair or torn bag. His books n notebooks looked as if owned by a back bencher..A real eligible bachelor, this guy found his love at the final year of graduation. A cute beautiful girl 3 yrs younger to him, simply dressed n modest behaviour. By far they r the best couple I have seen. Bham still eyeing sakhshi at intervals. Had he looked around, he would have found a chubby cuty by now and even had his first bhamlet. Sumitash n I spent so much time fighting with each other that we forgot to look for eligible spouces for ourselves.. priyanka had long term plans.. her career was more important. I don’t think she had ‘ love’ chamber in her emotions’ list . Her sudden mood swings gave us eternal frights…saakshi was commited, so was linz.
These r just a few instances of love in presi.. but some ppl were really lucky. A couple from geology was really cute. I liked them. Some had disasters that left bad mental injury. I was somewot lucky.. NO PAIN NO GAIN…case. Agni being a pseudo bf, no one ever questioned my relationship status.
The lover’s lane bringing back memories of juvenile love where bargain starts with good looks and good marks.
“pehli nazar mein kaisa jadu kar diya… tera ban beytha hai mera jiya….
Jane kya hua.. kya hoga kya pata…is pal ko milke aa jeele zara”

I smile to myself n say..”wot if the world goes blind and suffers complete darkness?... will luv exist no more?... wot if seeing is no more believing??... wot if??” … hardly matters.. these couples wud deny each other presence in each other’s life after a year or so.


Porashona in Presi [ the exam time n results as well]

We had the worst syllabus in the country with the worst examining methods, dates, administrations.. CU be f****d.
This is wot students said.. n they were true. It will kill ur self-confidence with its careless checking methods n paralyse ur mental state by the marks they print even without thinking… 1 damn practical exam will determine the numerous practicals u have done throughout the year. If u r lucky that day, its fine… if not u r simply chucked out by fate. Kolkata rains playing further fowl during those exam dates. I almost swam 2 the exam centre 2 appear for paper 3 practs. 6 hours of exam with wet clothes on.
“chahe kitna bhi karo sitam , has has ke sahenge hum”..

Presidency always made it to the topper list bypassing all colleges of kolkata. Wherever we went, eyebrows rose at the name of Presidency college, kolkata. The HODs , deans and professors hailed from presi all over India.
“tumi bangali?... presidency??? “… they keep asking… a smile appearing at the thought of rosogolla n durga pujo
We sold ourselves at brand name. 4 out of 12 made it 2 the Msc. genetics dept from presi.
Half of them placed abroad for PHd n rest in better positions within India… it is a matter of pride.
Those horrifying days of Xerox n rattafying notes… suggestion preparation, made-up answers.. then cheating as the last resort… a short experience related below.
1st yr, 1st half yearly exam..
Seating arrangement was according to roll nos.
Sakshi had micro-mini Xerox from her shop[ she had 2 pay 4 them] , priyanka beside her.., chadan , linz also in that row….. next row neelu , bham , agni, krish… 3rd row… me ,sugs, sumitash n sayan… the other rows had krish, madhu, uttam n so on … it was histology lab,the largest lab of our dept. If there were no furnitures there, it would have looked like an auditorium.
After 15 mins of papers distribution, we started writing.. the hustle-bustle started…
Sakshi jotting down from her micro-minis, linz n chadan writing themselves, agni doing sumthing I couldn’t figure out but I knew it was criminal. In our row, every1 wrote seriously…
Neelu asks bham in whisper:” hey.. do u know short term defn of obesity?”… I couldn’t control my laughter…that was the best thing they shud have known .sum 96 kg bham n 100+ neelu discussing about obesity.
I had probs with 2 questions.. gluconeogenesis n retina layer question. My nearest neighbour sumitash was advised 2 write that answer first.. when he completed I asked him the points. He handed me the paper with further discussions. Each answer was 2 be written in 1 separate paper which helped our copying-organisation run very well. Since a sleeping AKS was the guard, we dint worry much. He was far away.. n by the time the fatso will turn up here we will settle back 2 our own papers.
Ritu, the great, started correcting spelling mistakes in sumitash’s paper. “oh ..for god’s sake ritu.. stop it”.. I resume 2 copying business, no more social service. Then , sayan asks sugs..” oi, wot is ferritin?”
Sugs with his deepika padukone smile speaks..” oh god, u don’t know?”
Sayan: no
Sugs: u don’t know?
Sayan: no..
Sugs: arre ferritin u don’t know?
Sayan: aree, !@##$%^&*(.... (slangs in Bengali)… I don’t know that’s y am asking u….!!!
Sugs, silently hands over his paper 2 sayan.

My next query… gluconeogenesis..
Next best neighbour cum frnd was agni..
Me, whispering : agni, gluconeogenesi???
Agni turns away… I feel he wont help me…after ten secs he looks back n slaps a long notebook in my desk…
Me, afraid to death: wots this?
Agni: find it out…..its my notes copy..
I should have fainted by his gesture, but I dint. While I digested the trauma… sumitash took the notebook and thrust it in a drawer below his table… n said: ‘no need 2 write that answer, write sumthing else”… I came to know now, wot kind of crime agni was doing… agni is super intelligent.. these stupid mugging business was not his part. He scored too well to prove any1 wrong, rather the most intelligent guy I hv ever met.
At the last hour, answer sheet flew like paper planes throughout the hall. Some even stapled others sheets for submission. Agni , very coolly collected his sheets from 5 different ppl n then walked 4 submission. I don’t remember who scored the highest but I remember this whole non-preparatory affair during exam.

That was fun but we were damn serious about our exams…. Don’t take offences.. we did such things only during test matches, not one days…

Life in presi was awesome. Physiopals n other presidencians can add their experiences.